Sunday, May 24, 2009

a little background !

so some of my friends may not really know that much about me. I realize I am very much an open book when it comes to my emotions but who could really say they know where I comne from and what made me who I am today ?
so I thought maybe a little background is necessary.
I was born and raised in France, in Normandy to be more precise and in the suburb of the great city of Rouen to be exact. Of course being French has had a lot of influence on how I live my life. I am stubborn as many French people are. I also have managed to keep some of my French-iness while becoming quite American. In fact my own family thinks I am now all American LOL
I left France when I was 20 years old and after a short 5 months in Alberta, Canada, I landed in New Jersey. There I was a live-in nanny to a family for 4 and a half years.
I eventually met my husband and shortly after we got married I moved to the state that I will always consider my real home: South Carolina. This is the place where I will return someday and I truly cannot wait !
So lately I have been feeling sad that my own children never got to experience where their own mother comes from.
Can you imagine not being able to share some of those classics you grew up with with the little ones you love so much ? That's how it is for me...
I didn't grew up with Goodbye Moon, I grew up with Bonne Nuit les Petits. But I cannot share that with my children because they do not speak French.
Can you imagine not being able to read Velveteen Rabbit to your kids because they do not understand what you are reading ?
Oh don't get me wrong, I did try to teach them French ! but the whole world around them was in English, including their father. School, TV, music - all in English.
So after a while I couldn't get them to reply in French any more. And I gave up.
Try and imagine a child who cannot speak to their own grandparents. That's how my kids are. Sad isn't it ?
Of course if I couold have taken them to France on a regular basis, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad. But we cannot afford a trip to France for a family of four.
In fact the last time we all went was 8 years ago.Since then I have lost more family members than I care to count. People I hadn't seen in years.
I had not seen my own mother for two years when she passed away. I haven't seen my father and brothers in 8 years.
Don't get me wrong...that can sometimes be a blessing LOL
but that also means my kids do not know their own family.
I keep hoping that someday I will win the lottery and be able to take my fanily to France once a year so my brothers can know their niece and nephew and so my father can see his grandchildren.
Somedays I even wish that my in-laws wouldn't live this far so that my kids would enjoy that side of their family more. But once again there can be something to be said for distance between family members :)
My father told me years ago that I shouldn't complain because I am the one who decided to leave. He had a point. But here is the morale of tonight's rant: just because you made a choice doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes. Whether it be a divorce, a move, changing jobs, some decisions will hurt even when you know you made the right one.
And I still have no regrets, no matter how much it hurts sometime.

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