Postively emotional

Have you ever wondered how much of your personality is determined at birth, how much is determined by your upbringing and how much is within your control ? I know I have on many occasions.

The last couple of days have brought back to mind this question for me.

I was told by a couple of people that they see me as a very positive person, someone in the realm of the warm and fuzzy, in fact they questioned whether I could ever have the tough talks sometimes needed by a leader. Now granted these folks have only known me for a couple of months so they have never had to see the tough, serious side of me that most have had to witness in the past.

But this discussion led me to a realization: I have come a long way.

I did not grow up in a positive environment. I grew up in a family where my top grades never seemed to be good enough, where I never heard my parents tell me they were proud, where little affection was really shown.

I am not saying my parents were horrible, just that they probably didn't know any better. My mother probably never got much affection from her own mother and so didn't know how to show it to her own children. I quite often felt as if I had not really been wanted by her.

When my parents got divorced, I was 15 and dealing with my own troubles.

This may have been the first time in my life I realized that I had a choice to make: I could either let the wave of negativity swallow me or I could decide to ride it and get above it until I reached a more positive blue sky.

This has been a difficult path. So much has happened to me that lead to despair at times, depression several times and ultimately an awakening. I have a choice.

I have the choice to see the glass as half full or half empty. I have the choice to see the thorns or the roses on the rose bush. I cannot control certain things but I can control how I react to them and how much I let them affect me.

I have been knocked down many times, hurt many more, violated once but I decided that eventually I would have to find that famous silver lining every one talks about.

I have also decided that I cannot always be positive. No one can be happy 100% of the time. And that is ok. I am giving myself permission to cry, get mad, get sad every now and then. It is natural to feel that way and you need to let it out. But what I will not do is let this last for more than a short while.Or let it make me bitter. Because if I do, then I am giving the power to those emotions to take over. And I will not let that happen.

If you ever have a conversation with someone who came to realize their own mortality, you know how grateful they become for the simple things in life. Just living becomes a very powerful and positive experience.

So why should we wait for the moment when we get sick, almost die or lose someone. Why can't we learn to appreciate those things before the bad things happen ?

I can say that I am amazed when I look where I started to be able to hear now someone calling me a positive person.

And I will take this as a good thing, a great thing, an accomplishment.

So tonight was rough, I cried, I got frustrated and wondered what to do next.

But this will be a temporary thing. I will pick up the pieces and keep going. And I will stay positive because for me that is the only way to go :)

Home Sweet Home

Since I last posted to this blog, so much has taken place for me and my family. After having moved cross-country from South Carolina to Arizona in 2006, we made the trek back to South Carolina a month ago.

This feels very much like coming home. I am not from South Carolina but it has always been the place I have loved and considered my favorite place. Both of my children were born here and even tough they spent five years in Arizona, they always claimed South Carolina as their home.

The last few months have been extremely stressful and yet very rewarding. My husband moved here 8 weeks before we did and had to find us a house. This is now at least the fourth time that I have to leave that responsibility to him (we have moved 8 times in 17 years). Thank goodness for technology to help us share pictures, listings and plainly communicate so I can still feel like I have a say in the process. But no matter how great he is, it is always challenging to walk through a house for the first time on your move-in date. And yes he did well given the small amount of time he had and the obvious challenges of finding a house that would meet our needs.

The added challenge with this move was that for the first time I had to try and transfer within the same company while hopefully getting a position at the same level.

This experience became a frustrating, challenging and also surprising time. After interviewing for several positions over the phone, I ended up leaving Arizona still without a job.

The surprising part came when I found out about some amazing people trying to help me out in my search. These were people I had never met and in some cases never been in any kind of contact with. They were people who had found out about my situation and thought me worthwhile of a little help. Saying that I was touched by this will not cover how I truly felt. My heart was and still is full of gratitude for these women and I will never be able to express how much this has meant to me. I may never know how many people were involved in this but they have reminded me how powerful a network of great people can be. And you can be sure that I will pay it forward.

A few days after I moved back, I was able to line up two more interviews and that exact day I had found a new job at a new store. Talk about a whirlwind !

I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. I am convinced that the timing was right, the opportunity was exactly what I needed and that the people who decided to take a chance on me are fantastic.

I am lucky to now be part of a great crew that has welcomed me with open arms.

What does the future hold now for our family ? well hopefully a little stability. I promise you it would take a heck of a lot for us to ever move away from South Carolina again. In fact the only move I can foresee now is the one that will take us out of our rental house and back into a house we own. This may take a couple of years but it will happen someday.

I will finish with this quote I found recently that brought back to mind all the things I just went through :

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein

I'll let you guess which option I chose. Peace !

Am I going crazy ?

Oh boy, that is a weird question, I know it ! and I think all of us have asked ourselves that at one time or another.

Why am I asking ? because the last few weeks have been challenging in a way I never experienced before. And the crescendo was when I pretty much had an emotional breakdown.

So in the last two years I have been aware of this little thing in your body called the thyroid. In fact two years ago or so I had been checked for issues it could cause because of some symptoms I was having. Sadly back then, I took the doctor's opinion that since my numbers were only slightly elevated, we shouldn't do anything but wait. And so I did...two whole years.

What can I say, I am a woman and as many times as I enter a doctor's office for my kids, you would think I would also do it for myself. But not, because I am a woman. I always take care of others first.

So for the last two years I have been feeling a bit off, very tired, having issues with my weight, having troubles focusing or remembering and getting emotional, especially in the last few weeks.

So 7 weeks ago I broke down, tired of being always tired and I finally got myself to the doctor. And I found out that that little piece of me is affecting me a great deal. That thyroid of mine was out of whack. Once again I had to wait though, a whole 6 weeks because we needed to see how things would progress before deciding on a path.

So the last 7 weeks have been tough. It seemed that all of a sudden I was noticing more symptoms...the hunger, the irritability and horror...the weight gain. Ok it may have only been a couple of pounds but when you are already overweight and have already been heavier, those two pounds seem the beginning of a decline that you dread.

And then the end of the 6 weeks came and I reclaimed a bit of my sanity. I was NOT crazy. In fact I noticed more symptoms because I had gotten worse. My numbers came back even more out of whack. The sense of relief was immense. It now explained my complete meltdown.

If you are a woman and you have had to deal with PMS or pregnancy, you will understand what I am talking about. That feeling that your behavior is completely irrational and yet you cannot stop yourself. Yes that feeling... And if you are a man, well you know it if you have ever lived with a woman.

Where does that leave me now ? looking forward to some relief. I just started medication this morning with the hope that it will help bring me back to the person I am supposed to be - one full of energy and with a sharp mind and one who still may get emotional every now and then but not in a hysterical way.

I look forward to the journey, knowing full well that the medication may only be the beginning and that there will be more challenges to come. Knowing now that there is an answer to why I have felt the way I have, I am empowered to move ahead and learn more about this little piece of my body that manages so much of what goes on.

And I will make sure to tell all my friends about it. Maybe, just maybe, someone else will benefit from my experience. And maybe, just maybe, someone else will get their answer without waiting two years and feeling this bad. And that is a goal my friends...

my heart breaks

For those who may have read my previous post about family, I am sorry to have to add this to it. The missing plane was located and sadly Ginger is now mourning her husbamd and three boys. I am absolutely heartbroken that the story would end that way. I can only hope that she will feel the love that we were and still are sending her way.
I cannot imagine the pain she is feeling right now at the loss of four of her family members in one swoop. There is no way I could put into words how much I hurt for her, a woman I never had the pleasure of meeting but nonetheless feel I know because so many of my friends know her.
I also think about my own friends who also are hurting from this loss. They in fact knew Ginger's family and to them this is a great loss too.

Last night as I lay there before going to sleep I mentioned to my husband how tough the day had been with the kids. At 12 and 14 they know how to push your buttons and they sure drove me crazy maybe more than usual yesterday. But then I also told him how much I imagine Ginger would give to have one more disagreement or fight with her boys. It really does put things in perspective doesn't it ?

So I have to learn to be grateful for even the not so fun things because after all it is better than not having them around any more. And Ginger's boys were 12 and 14. How's that for a reason for me to feel so deeply about her story ?

family and six degrees of separation

I recently have been thinking about what the meaning of family is. I know, I know, it seems pretty obvious, the ones who are related to you make up your family.
I feel though that there is so much more to family. I believe I have many families, not just the biological one or the one I married into.
For instance, when I get on Facebook, I have access to a large group pf people I have organized in what Facebook calls networks. What if indeed these were their own little family circles.

One of my networks is comprised of greyhound adoption folks. I can absolutely 100% tell you that most of these folks feel like family. I have cried with them when they lost a hound or got a devastating cancer diagnosis. I have rejoiced when they added one more to their pack. I have cried and gotten mad alongside these people when reading stories of abuse and missing greyhounds. Just like any family, we all pulled together in a crisis and helped raise money for severely neglected hounds in Texas.
Like any family, we have our disagreement and subjects we know to avoid if we do not want to start a fight. But all in all, we are one big, huge family.

One of my other networks is Best Buy. I have after all worked for this company going on three years now.
Granted I do not know every single Best Buy employee but somehow we are all linked in our passion of helping customers, living with technology and keeping this company great.
So last week a former employee's family went missing during a flight over Wyoming. I knew Ginger by name only. I knew she was friend with a lot of my friends but I had never personally met her. And yet, I felt as if she was part of my family. I had to send a request for prayers and good vibes hoping it could make a difference. Will I ever meet Ginger ? probably not. Does it matter ? not at all. She is a part of my friends' family and my Best Buy family so I will keep hoping for the best for her.

And what about that whole Six Degrees of Separation thing ?

Last week I got a request to become friends with someone. It turns out she appreciated some of the posts and comments I had made to another friend. She thought we had some things in common so now we were friends too. Then she posted a link she got from one of her friends about Male Breast Cancer. I am all about sharing that kind of information because I truly believe awareness and education are the best tools we have to fight diseases.
So I took that link and shared it. Now the friend of my new friend, the one who posted the original link, decides she want to be friends with me. So I do as always when I get a friend request...I check her out. And lo and behold, this woman who lives in Florida is originally from New Jersey. But not just from New Jersey, from very close to my husband's hometown in New Jersey. And as I talk to my husband about this he asks me her name. And then tells me that there was a family in his hometown with that name and they owned a little grocery store and he worked there as a teenager. So of course, I decide to ask her if she is related to this family. And yes she is.
So because I know Bonnie (who lives in Arizona) and posted to her wall, I became friend with Sandra (who lives in Florida) and then through Sandra I became friend with Kriss who despite living in Florida is really a Jersey girl who happens to be from a family that owned a store where my husband worked as a teenager...wow !
That is what you call a small world.

So now I may consider Sandra and Kriss part of my extended family. In fact, since Kriss sent me some stickers about Male Breast Cancer, I will proudly display them when I take part in the Making Stride Breast Cancer Walk. I will pass on this message that is so important to her. Because now she indeed is family :-)

I want to believe that somehow we are all truly one family, one humanity and that we are linked in more ways than we are different.

I can only hope that my family will keep growing and that I can be there for all the members of this family and maybe someday they can be there for me too if needed.

Right now, I can mostly think of Ginger and how scared she must be for her family, her husband and three kids missing and also the rest of her family that is affected by this crisis. So once again I ask the members of mine to keep her in mind as all of you are after all now related...through me.

Could business and leadership be just like parenting ?

Strange title maybe but there are definitely some things in common between the two.

I hope to some day be considered a leader and I know that at that point I will have to be more or less like a parent to my team. No I don't mean nagging and pleading like a mom, even though I am sure there will be days where it will feel that way. No what I mean is learning to let go.

In fact you always hear that you have to give your children wings and teach them how to fly and then learn to let them go. Of course, this is what a leader has to do too.

The sad thing about this is that when your team members try to fly away, you want them to succeed but you know you will be missing them like crazy. It's the dilemma of being happy for their success but selfishly wishing they could stay put a little longer.

In some cases, the business world makes you feel that way about the ones who are in charge too. They were your teachers and they took you under their wings and helped you grow. They may have been the ones fighting for you or defending you when things were rough. They may have been the ones who disciplined you or chided you when it was needed. But overall they were the one who made a difference in your job, made it easier or better or more fulfilling.

I have had to say goodbye to someone who worked with me before because he was moving on to more satisfying pursuits. And I was thrilled for him. But he stayed close.

Now I have to say goodbye to someone who meant a lot in the last few months for being there and helping me grow. And I am thrilled that he is getting to grow and I am excited that someday he will be a big kahuna, the one in charge. But dang it, I selfishly am hating that he will no longer be in my store. I know we will run across each other at times, this is after all a small business world. And yes his leaving gives me an opportunity to go after his job...yep that's the bright side because sadly I always feel I have to try and find one. It sure doesn't mean I will get his job but I will try to.

Maybe in the next few weeks there will be someone else to guide me. And maybe not. For now, I only know that I am going into the unknown and that is scary.

So I can only hope I can learn to let go of the ones who matter and learn from them so some day I can be in a position to give others wings and teach them how to fly until they leave me. And maybe some day I will be more happy than sad when that happens.

you walked into my life...on all fours.

6 years ago tomorrow, I was granted a greyt gift. No I didn't misspell. I really mean a GREYT gift. Most of my friends will know what I am talking about.
For those who don't, here is an explanation.
^
Six years ago I was in a depression cause by my mother's passing the year before. I was trying to keep it all together, you know - family, marriage... At that point I had quit my job because I no longer enjoyed it and there is not much worse than getting up in the morning and wishing you didn't have to go to work. I truly believe that you should quit or switch jobs when you get to that point because you are doing no one a favor by showing up for work without the passion necessary to do your job well.
So after I decided to stay home, I thought I might finally do something I had always wanted to do but never had been able to: get a dog. Mind you it wouldn't be just any dog. No for 6 years I had been wanting a greyhound. I had been waiting for the right time, for my kids to be old enough, for my life to allow it. And now that I would be home, I could feel good that I wouldn't have to leave the poor dog alone for 10 hours a day.
In comes this big goofy dark brindle boy. He was chosen for us and so very well I can say.
I will never be able to explain how much the retired racer formerly known as Onyx Star has changed my life.
I can no longer go on vacation anywhere anytime. I can only be gone for so many hours before I worry about having to let him out. I somewhat worry about when the next seizure will happen and I have spent many nights up with him because of seizures. I have to pay some pretty hefty vet bills that always happen at the most inconvenient times. I have had to invest in a carpet cleaning machine for these very occasional problems he has had. Poor pup takes medications that sometimes irritate his stomach. I have to let him out when I get home from work even if he has already been out with the kids just because I am home and he feels I owe him that even if I only want to get off my feet after an 8 hour shift walking around the store.
That's the bad stuff...
If I had to write the list of good stuff, I would be here for days typing.
Most of all, I love the love he gives me. I love that I am the only one he seems thrilled to see every day. I love that he is becoming cuddlier as he gets older. I love that he has to sleep in the room where I am. I love that he looks for me to help him through a seizure and he needs me to pet him and calm him down. I love that he pouts when I have left him with someone else for a few days because that means he cares. I love that all I have to do to feel better is hug him and ask for some kisses.
The last 6 years have been such a blessing for all he brought to me: this incredible love, the sense of belonging to a community - the crazy and so caring Greyhound world.
So to my wonderful Onyx, happy Gotcha Day. Thank you for rescuing me six years ago when all my loved ones couldn't no matter how hard they tried.
I dread the day I lose you but I cannot focus on that. I choose to live in the moment and enjoy every minute of our life together.

And now I am off to give my big goofy dog a greYt big hug.